To Gym, Or Not To Gym?

I hate going to the gym.
Actually that's a lie. I don't mind the gym. I just hate it when other people are there.
Actually that's a lie. I don't mind other people. I just hate the people that seem to be at my gym constantly.

I expected the gym to be full of flabby tummies and wobbly bums, but apparently it's the latest hot spot for the thin and beautiful, who manage to remain immaculate even after an hour on the cross trainer. In fact, better than immaculate, they have a healthy glow. Yuck.

I have two theories:

Number One: These are people paid by the gym to stand around and show you what you could look like if you actually went there more than once a week.
Number Two: There is an international thin and beautiful alliance that has decided it is their duty to make us slightly chubby, very sweaty mortals feel too embarassed to go the gym, thus providing them with a system of gym bases which they will then use to take over the world.

Clearly these are the only two possible options for them to be there. I reckon the second one is much more likely, to be honest. However, do not fear! There is an obvious solution. I suggest eating lots of choccy biscuits to keep your strength up, and avoiding all gyms in general.

Just to be on the safe side. Obviously.