Desmond culls Five's management team

Channel Five will lose seven out of nine executive board directors, as new owner Richard Desmond attempts to make savings of around £20 million - £9 million from staff cuts, and £11 million from overheads.

Only Jeff Ford, managing director of digital channels, and Kelly Williams, sales director, will remain.

At a 10am meeting this morning, staff were told about Desmond's cost-cutting plans, which include up to 80 job losses (over 25% of around 300 current employees).
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One of those leaving is Dawn Airey, Five chairman and chief executive. She joined Channel Five in 1996, the year before it launched, as its first director of programmes, and became chief executive in 2000. Airey will be moving to RTL - Five's former owner.

Richard Woolfe, director of programmes, is also leaving. Ford will be taking over his role, which appears to indicate a decrease in original programming, as Woolfe has been encouraging new talent since joining Channel Five last year.

Others leaving are director of legal affairs and company secretary Paul Chinnery, director of strategy Charles Constable, finance director David Hockley, corporate affairs director Sue Robertson and managing director Mark White.

Airey said that: "The day Five was sold, my job was done. I will be returning to the RTL Group but over the next few months will remain in post with a number of my senior colleagues to facilitate the integration of Five into Northern & Shell.

"I want to thank Richard, Charles, Sue, Mark, David, Paul and Natasha for the dedication and commitment that they have shown Five and the support they have given me over the years. They have all made a significant contribution to leading Five towards a successful future. I love Five, its staff, its spirit and all we have achieved. I wish the channel, its team, Richard Desmond and Northern & Shell all the success they deserve."

"This is the first of many initiatives that will see a new streamlined Channel Five make enormous strides over the coming years. One area of particular importance is that of Project Canvas and the amazing possibilities it opens up for the future for viewers."

Desmond added: "Whilst I'm sorry to see Dawn move on, I'm thrilled that she'll be in the mix to contribute to the various exciting plans we have and oversee the acquisition and development of brilliant new content."

As well as the impending redundancies, Five staff were also told that they will be moving out of their offices in Covent Garden. Instead, they will be working at Desmond's Northern & Shell premises in the City, and there will be a merging of back office functions (such as IT and human resources) between the businesses.

In a statement today, Northern & Shell said: "The savings aim to realise efficiencies deriving from Channel Five's integration into the Northern & Shell group of companies and at the same time develop an ambitious new investment plan that will see the channel go toe-to-toe with the biggest players in the TV world. Long-term financial input in the field of £300m per year for the next five years is planned by Northern & Shell."

This £20 million cost-cutting plan is reminiscent of the cuts Desmond made at The Daily Express, when he purchased it almost ten years ago.

Desmond bought Channel Five for £103.5 million last month, announcing a £1 billion plan to turn the channel around after it reported an operating loss of €41 million last year.

Originally posted on Newsline, part of the MediaTel Group

Channel 4 launches Paralympics promotion and 'Freaks of Nature' campaign

Channel 4 is marking the two years until the Paralympic Games opening ceremony with a series of special programmes, along with a two-year multimillion-pound campaign promoting its coverage of the games, called 'Freaks of Nature'.

Julian Bellamy, Channel 4's acting chief creative officer, has said that the 2012 event will be "biggest event in Channel 4's history".

"We believe we can do for the Paralympics what we did for cricket. More than ever before, I believe Channel 4 can do something different and special," he added.
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This August bank holiday weekend, Channel 4 will run programmes promoting the Paralympic Games. This includes That Paralympic Show, which will be hosted by Rick Edwards of T4 fame, and Ade Adepitan, a disabled broadcaster and wheelchair basketball medallist. It will also feature special guests such as Alex Reid, and regular features such as 'Pimp my Chair'.

Other programmes due to be shown include a documentary called Inside Incredible Athletes, which features seven disabled London athletes. Additionally, that weekend's T4, hosted by Steve Jones and Miquita Oliver, will be hosted from a house near to the Paralympics GB training camp.

The channel is also launching a £500,000 search for British disabled talent, to contribute as presenters and commentators during the Paralympics, aiming for disabled presenters to make up half of its Paralympics team.

Adepitan said he did not know why there was an absence of disabled presenters: "I don't think there's any particular reason why, but Channel 4 is doing their utmost to find the best talent to portray the Paralympics."

The 'Freaks of Nature' campaign, launching on Sunday, aims to continue the promotion of the Paralympic Games, and make household names out of disabled athletes.

Bellamy stated that research shows 84% of the public could not name a single British Paralympian, despite Britain coming second in the medals table in last Games. The campaign is "trying to dramatically change that lack of awareness", he said.

According to Channel 4's head of marketing, Rufus Radcliffe, the campaign would be the channel's biggest ever. It launches with promos next week, featuring five disabled athletes talking about their abilities, and will have full-page adverts in the press over the August bank holiday weekend.

Bellamy, added: "The Freaks of Nature marketing trail is part of a bold campaign that portrays Paralympians as Channel 4 feels they should be seen - supremely talented athletes who, like their able bodies sporting counterparts, are set apart from the rest of us by their staggering ability, not their disability.

"And this reflects our ambitions for our coverage of the London 2012 Paralympic Games themselves - encouraging viewers to focus on the awe-inspiring ability on display throughout."

Channel 4 won the rights to air the Paralympic Games earlier this year, and Bellamy has confirmed that, apart from programmes such as the news, the channel's schedule will be cleared for 150 hours of live coverage of the Paralympics, running from 29 August to 9 September 2012.

Originally posted on Newsline, part of the MediaTel Group

Can Richard Desmond save channel Five?

Richard Desmond bought Channel Five for £103.5 million on Friday afternoon, adding to his media empire which includes the Daily Express, the Daily Star and OK! magazine. He summarised his plans just two hours after acquiring the channel: "All we are going to do is add more programmes, and put extra money on screen... Five is going to be huge."

Since then, he has announced a more informative £1 billion plan for Channel Five, as he wants it to be called, which aims to entice advertisers with an alternative to so-called "arrogant and monopolistic" ITV. Desmond aims to increase Five's share of advertising significantly, doubling it from 7% to 14%. He predicts that each percentage gain could add £43 million to the top line.

Five cannot promote Desmond's newspapers, due to European rules; however, the channel can be given as much free publicity as he chooses in his newspapers and magazines. From this week, Five will be advertised heavily in OK! magazine and the Daily Star, spending £20 million a year with them.

Desmond has also promised a £100 million investment in programming: "We want to show programmes that people watch."

Jim Marshall, chief client officer at Aegis and regular MediaTel columnist, says: "I wouldn't like to predict how he is going to shape the channel for the future, either in terms of its programme schedule or its digital development. However I can confidently predict that he will 'ruffle a lot of feathers', particularly of the existing broadcast fraternity and regulators, which will be fun - as long as you're not in the direct firing line! I also have a suspicion that he will confound his critics by making it profitable even if it doesn't win too many Baftas."

What we do know is that there have been talks of bringing back shows such as Top of the Pops, and buying the rights to reality show Big Brother (which is running for the final time on Channel 4 this summer). However, Desmond claims that Dawn Airey, Five's chief executive, will make any final decisions. "At the end of the day, I let my editors edit, the same way the programmer will decide what will go on air".

Desmond has already assured Ofcom that Five will continue to broadcast news and current affairs, in order to abide by the terms of its terrestrial licence, as well as pledging to continue with deals for shows including CSI and Neighbours.

He has also indicated that he is willing to pay the £16 million required for Five to return to video-on-demand joint venture Project Canvas, which the channel pulled out of earlier this month due to financial problems.

However, despite assurances and promises, staff at Five are fearing the arrival of a cost-cutting Desmond, the same man who massively cut down on expenditure at the Daily Express and relocated sub-editors to Lancashire.

Looking at Desmond's newspaper investments, around 664,000 people still buy the Daily Express every day and over 550,000 buy the Sunday Express. The Daily Star has increased in circulation by 200,000 readers, in just under a decade. He is said to have simply cut costs including jobs, but he has been successful enough to take many millions out of the business.

Even without this track record, Desmond's large injection of money into Five does appear to offer some hope for the channel that never took off in the way that other channels managed. Posting an operating loss of €41 million last year, the low value of Five was highlighted during the sale; the next highest offer after Desmond's bid was less than £50 million. Clearly this is a channel that needs changes to be made.

But is Desmond the man to provide these changes? Enders Analysis' Toby Syfret, quoted in The Guardian, doesn't think so - "unless he has the vision of somehow being able to find the golden ticket and make relatively low-cost programming with popular appeal. That is the conundrum. Maybe he's seen something that has been beyond the wit of RTL to find. It's just difficult to imagine what it might be."

Whether Desmond has 'the golden ticket' or not is something that only time, and a lot of investment, will tell. Either way, with the 'half a trillion' ideas that Desmond states he has for Channel Five, it sounds like it'll be an interesting ride.

Originally posted on Newsline, part of MediaTel.

J Design opens in Barnes

For The Green Magazine

As I push through the crowd, with a DJ set on one side of me, and cries of "More champagne?" from the other, it's hard to believe that this scene, surrounded by beautiful furniture and artwork, takes place in a shop in Barnes.

But this is no ordinary shop - Jacqueline Willers, the owner, calls it a 'complete lifestyle choice'. Offering the total package of interior design, Jacqueline explains that the aim of the shop is to have "people pop their heads over the top of the stable door at the front, and cry, 'Crumbs, my loo's broken!', and I can help them. It doesn't necessarily have to be the whole house - don't feel intimidated!".

Indeed, intimidation seems to be the last thing this shop will offer, as Jacqueline plans to bring interior design down to a very personal level - even having her two terriers as permanent features of the place. This important reasoning is why 'it simply had to be Barnes'.

"It's a village - a village with a community for crazy people like me!" says Jacqueline. "And interior design is so personal - this is why I don't have a style, it's your house and it should reflect your taste."

At this point, she gets interrupted by someone running up and hugging her enthusiastically. "This is what I mean!", Jacqueline manages to gasp out, in between greeting the people turning up. "A real community spirit..." And these words are earnestly echoed by the Deputy Mayor, Rita Palmer, who seems very proud to be officially opening the shop - with good reason.

Although Jacqueline laughs that she bought the shop 'accidentally', when originally intending to buy some jewellery from across the road, it is clear that this beautiful establishment is a labour of love. And, by the looks of things, it deserves to be a great success as well.

Tony Wild and 'The Moonstone Legacy'

“In a sacred cave high in the mountains of northern India, a white-haired hermit sits cross-legged, and signs his final testament: “George Abercrombie, 1874…”
In present-day England, fourteen year old Lizzy Abercrombie’s mother dies in a tragic accident on the full moon. But was it really an accident? Lizzy discovers that her death may be linked to a mysterious family curse.
Determined to find the truth, her quest takes her from a splendid Anglo-Indian mansion on the Yorkshire moors to India, where she uncovers her ancestor's terrible past and a stolen inheritance. But her discoveries put her in mortal danger from a ruthless enemy...”

So reads the synopsis for a gripping new novel by Diana de Gunzburg and Tony Wild – The Moonstone Legacy – inspired by classic detective novel The Moonstone, by Wilkie Collins. Tony Wild has previously written popular histories for Harper Collins, including the best-selling Black Gold: A Dark History of Coffee, but this is his first venture into fiction writing – although The Moonstone Legacy does manage to incorporate elements of historical concerns within its fictional basis. In terms of particular interests, Tony has strong connections with York and the surrounding area, having grown up in Yorkshire himself. He is also the former director of ‘Bettys and Taylors of Harrogate’ – the company responsible for the classic Yorkshire Tea and our beloved Betty’s Tea Rooms. He even held the book-launch for The Moonstone Legacy in the Belmont Room at said tea rooms – a room that one of his relatives actually designed himself. This commitment to Yorkshire, and passion for the area, can clearly be seen throughout his novel.

This is due to the emphasis on geographical location within The Moonstone Legacy – obviously including our very own Yorkshire. Speaking to Nouse, Tony explains that, “the Yorkshire landscape is hugely varied and its beauty unrivalled” – something I’m sure we can agree with. This wonderful scenery clearly inspired part of the setting for the novel – and the Yorkshire influence can be seen to apply to more than just aesthetics, as Tony comments that “Yorkshire people have a gritty realism leavened by the driest of wits.” The novel is not only set in Yorkshire, however – it is also partially based in India, specifically the area of Gujarat, and the country holds a strong fascination for Tony. This attraction is demonstrated by his previous historical books, which include Coffee: A Dark History, and The East India Company Book of Chocolate. Diana de Gunzburg, the second author of The Moonstone Legacy, was born in Pakistan, and Tony has visited her and present-day India on numerous occasions. He feels that “the richness of its cultural and religious heritage is phenomenal, and the effects of the British period have been absorbed like so many conquerors before them”; these cultural remnants are explored in Tony’s historical book Remains of the Raj: The British Legacy in India. The beauty of India is clearly something that has affected both of the novel’s authors, as the images associated with The Moonstone Legacy demonstrate. At the book launch, a slide-show of beautiful Indian scenes was shown throughout the evening, as the visual elements are essential to the feel of the novel. However, aesthetics are not the only important aspects of the book - the cultural and spiritual elements of India, and indeed of The Moonstone Legacy itself, are obviously important to Tony, as he reveals that the novel was greatly inspired by “the grand cosmic dance of the earth, sun and moon”.

But why has this interest in Yorkshire and India led Tony to write a fictional novel, rather than the histories that he had previously been writing? And which does he prefer? “Fiction is fab and fun”, Tony explains, “although strangely much harder work than history.” When writing The Moonstone Legacy, he did find himself up against difficulties that he hadn’t experienced when writing his historical books. Specifically, referring to the construction of a novel compared to the writing of histories, he felt that “there is something truly liberating about making things up, but there is a huge responsibility to make sure an imaginary world can be felt as strongly as the real one.” Luckily, this is a responsibility that he managed to successfully achieve within the novel – and Tony intends to continue this in a further two novels, as The Moonstone Legacy is the first novel of a planned trilogy. Tony reveals that, “the second book is close to completion, and the third provisionally plotted” – and we’re looking forward to it.

I want to be forever young...

Recently, I found myself accidentally (ahem) engrossed in Junior Apprentice – and had a horrific realisation. I wanted Tim Ankers to win, not due to his entrepreneurial prowess, but because I thought he was a massive fitty. That wasn’t the realisation, by the way, I know everyone is secretly that shallow really. But no, the panic set in when I realised that the person in question was seventeen. SEVENTEEN. Now at first glance, this might not seem too young. I thought it might be acceptable. But then I realised my younger brother and sister were also 17. And that he was still in sixth form - God, how long ago was that? – and I’ve almost finished my second year of university. Clearly incompatible. But it doesn’t stop there.

I mean, I still feel like the ‘Skins generation’. We were the same age as the characters when Skins first came out, and, although it may be nothing like real life, and quite frankly appalling in all senses of the word, I have to admit that I still watch it now. And I plan on watching the next series; or planned, at least. Because then I realised that I would be 21 when the next series came out, and they would be fresh-faced 16 year olds. How can I relate to that? I’m not even a teenager anymore. I’m a ‘twenty something’. I’ve crossed the boundary from child to young adult – and it scares the hell out of me. I fill out forms and surveys and I’m in the ‘20 – 25’ bracket – or worse, ‘20 – 30’. I’m in the same section as people who are married with children, and I still feel like a child myself.

It’s even worse with the flood of adolescent celebrities at the moment – Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber, anyone? The former is only 17 years old, and has already been voted 29th on Forbes 2009 Celebrity 100, with a total earning of $25 million. That’s a hell of a lot more than my student loan. And ‘Bieber fever’ has been taking over the world, with over 5 million albums sold worldwide – and he’s only 16. Whilst I may think my singing in the shower is something worth paying for, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t match that - especially when I was 16.

So what can I do? I suppose the fact that I spent the last paragraph essentially complaining about the ‘youth of today’ speaks for itself. I am getting older, and although those late nights at Willow mean I’m doing it not so gracefully, acceptance should be the first step. I may not be the next Miley Cyrus, but at least I got to have a childhood, instead of being propelled into the world of celebrity. Not that I would refuse $25 million, though – that might make up for it. And now my childhood is over, I have to realise that being a twenty-something can be fun; it may be scary, but I’m sure I can enjoy it – hell, the last year has been brilliant.

Still, come back to me in ten years and I may claim to be 25 – a little white lie never hurt anyone, right?

Another iPad article...

Apple, the great masters of technology, have recently unleashed their latest creation – the iPad. This light-weight tablet computer weighs only 1.5 pounds, and measures in at 9.6” by 7.5”, making it perfect to use as an e-reader. Although the iPad is yet to be released in the UK, it has made an impact in America, and its arrival here is eagerly awaited. But how will this “magical and revolutionary product”, as Apple describes it, affect the way we read our books and magazines?

The iPad could result in an increase in readership levels – as the cost of printing and delivering is not applicable for e-books or e-magazines, then the consumer should find themselves paying a reduced cost for the finished good. Lower prices should lead to an increase in demand – and anything that encourages people to read is a desirable effect. The device also offers incentives for those who are already avid readers – the ability to store numerous books or magazines in a portable manner. It will enable people to own a wide choice of reading material that is easily accessible, making those long commutes much more enjoyable. Although other e-readers also offer this, the iPad has a screen larger than other models, resulting in a more comfortable read.

One other aspect that will be affected by the iPad is advertising, which could actually target individual people, much like sites such as Facebook offer at the moment. Adverts placed in e-magazines or e-newspapers can be specifically chosen to appeal to individual readers. The iPad has GPS, meaning adverts for particular areas can be directed to people in these locations, not to mention information that can be gathered from your choice of applications, reading material, age, and so on. This is not simply beneficial for the advertising agencies, but also for the consumer; specifically aimed adverts are a bonus for the reader, as they target their relevant interests.

However, the iPad certainly isn’t cheap, with rumours suggesting that models in the UK will range from £429 to £699. With books and magazines costing considerably less than this hefty price tag, will the benefits weigh up against the fact that a minimum of over £400 is necessary to acquire them? If this cost is deemed worthy, there is still a whole realm of problems facing the publishing companies themselves. As the internet provides constant and up-to-date information, the magazines that are normally monthly will have to compete with these instantaneous updates. Even if they do manage to match the online information, would people be willing to pay for something they can view on an iPad when they can also browse similar, and free, websites, on an iPad? Whilst paper newspapers and magazines are still purchased currently, despite the internet, the concept of viewing these through an e-reader means they lose the unique paper and ink aspect that currently means they sell.

Newspapers have already been keen to jump on the iPad bandwagon - the New York Times are offering a free Editor’s Choice application, that will offer a daily selection of the newspaper's top stories and articles, as picked by the editors. Closer to home, The Times are planning on bringing out a similar paid application – although current subscribers will not have to pay for access. Interview magazine have also managed to produce a successful iPad application, that not only offers content found in the magazine, but also offers exclusive video and audio content – revealing another aspect of the iPad revolution, in terms of the journalism found in forms other than writing.

Simon Allen, former President of the Publishers’ Association, believes that, “the iPad is not necessarily a game-changer, but it certainly gives publishers a great opportunity to get all their titles delivered in electronic form, in a very convenient and flexible way. It certainly provides exciting opportunities for the publishing industry”. So, will the iPad completely change the shape of journalism forever? I suppose all we can really do is wait and see...

The Hot Topic

It doesn’t take a genius to notice that Facebook is completely full of people whinging about politics at the moment. And I’d just like to point out – look on the bright side. Politicians are hot. It’s a hard thing to admit, but I really do mean it. I’d love to see the Houses of Parliament Fit Finder – “Male. Blonde hair. Jolly spiffing mop of golden locks, and bloody funny at that. I’d like to Boris your Johnson”. Yes, please. And I know I’m not the only one enjoying the Nick Clegg/David Cameron love in a slightly perverse way – you know you like it too. There is just something inherently sexy about these men in power. They may be balding, they may be a little portly, but I just can’t resist.

Others agree with me – in New York, Barack Obama was recently stopped by a woman who proclaimed, “You're a hottie with a smokin' little body.” She tells it how it is. The President, with good humour, replied that his wife would be watching, and his admirer responded “That's all right. Hi, Michelle - eat your heart out!” I wish I had her guts – I’d never leave Westminster alone. The great thing about this story is that it is helping remove the stigma of being attracting to politicians. I mean, looking back at politicians of the past, we haven’t exactly been blessed. For example, I’m not quite feeling that George Bush or John Major vibe – they’re not exactly the man candy that we’ve managed to get ourselves in 2010. I’m waiting for the shooting of “The Cabinet Cuties 2011” naked calendar to get started. Forget expenses scandals, they’d make enough money to pay off government debt in the opening week.

Of course, I’m not claiming that every current politician is the new George Clooney; in the case of Gordon Brown, I’m more than willing to step away. But surely we can take something from this Obama story, and bring something magical to the UK. A sexual revolution, with political pin-ups openly accepted for the hunks that they are. Think about it – instead of throwing eggs at David Cameron, why can’t we throw our knickers? Forget the R-Patz obsession; I want a massive poster of BoJo on my bedroom wall. And when you hear about a ‘hung’ parliament – well, I’m sure you get the idea. Still, if this is too much to ask of people, then I understand. Maybe the world just isn’t ready for this yet. But I do have just one, small request. Can you at least stop bloody whinging on Facebook?

Sorry...

Shamless self advertising:

The Yorkling

Movies by Mood

‘Oh my God, I’m never going to meet Mister Right, I’m going to be alone. FOREVER.’

The Notebook:
This is the one film that literally makes me cry every single time I watch it. So, make that around eighty-three times. If you’ve just gone through a messy break-up, or even if you’re just feeling a little lonely, then this film is perfect. You may find yourself a little jealous of the immaculate love between the central characters (and secretly want to kill Rachel McAdams) but if you can get past that then it’s definitely worth a watch. From the famous kiss in the rain, to the sob-inducing ending (that I won’t give away), this film should hopefully persuade you that there is someone for you, you will find them, and you won’t end up living with eight cats and slight insanity. Even if you don’t look like Rachel McAdams.

‘I want to snuggle up in bed and not move all day’

Any of the classic Disney musical cartoon films: The Lion King, Aladdin, Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid…
If you’re taking a sick day because you’re actually sick, then you can enjoy listening to the incredible songs. If you’re taking a sick day because you just didn’t want to go in, then you can join in, at the top of your voice. You know you know all the words. Singing aside, there is something incredibly feel-good about these films. Whether it’s the childhood nostalgia associated with them, or the fact that they’re just bloody good films, there’s always an excuse for a bit of Disney.

‘Oh boy, I need to get drunk…’

The Room:
Okay, so this is more about the drinking game that goes with The Room, as opposed to the actual film itself, but the point still stands. The Room is one of the most appalling films ever made, and perfect for watching with a group of friends and enough booze to go round. The full set of rules is quite substantial (google ‘The Room drinking game’ if you want to play), but consists of classics such as ‘Drink every time Denny’s behaviour makes you uncomfortable’, and shout ‘BITCH’ every time the character Lisa comes on screen, amongst others. You may not remember the film the next day – but perhaps that’s a good thing.

‘I need some quality time with the girlies, pronto’

Sex and The City:
Best enjoyed with some seriously girly cocktails (preferably with the little umbrellas and all the trimmings) and a tub of chocolate ice cream each, this film is perfect for those girly, gossipy nights in. Even if you put the plot aside, the fashion alone makes it worth watching – although, I must warn you that it may lead to expensive impulse online purchases, if enough alcohol is consumed. Throw in those classic characters that all self-respecting girls know and love, and you’ve got yourself the makings of a great night. If you really want to go for it, then Bridget Jones is the perfect film to follow – along with some Cosmopolitans, of course.

‘I am a man. A MANLY MAN’
Rocky and/or Rambo:
Men always need confirmation that they are, indeed, men. Cue some sort of poker night, with whiskey and cigars, and the token ‘man film’ – Rocky. It’s got everything – fighting, fighting, and more fighting. Plus, er, Sylvester Stallone. One warning – if the host of the evening happens to own the whole Rocky collection (as any real man would, of course) then you may end up watching them all, as no man wants to be the first person to suggest turning it off. As long as you don’t start on Rambo afterwards, however, then you should be okay. But of course you’ll be okay – you’re a man.

In with the old, in with the new..

As a second year moving into third term, I’ve realised a number of things. Not only that free prawn crackers at a nightclub is possibly one of the greatest things ever invented, but (possibly) more importantly that I have met some people that I hope I’ll remain friends with forever. I know it’s cliché, and that we don’t really know how long these friendships will last for, but I’m optimistic – plus I have so much dirt on them that they can’t even think about ditching me.

The only problem is trying to keep the friendships I made before coming to university – the ones that I also thought would last forever. I was lucky enough to have an extremely tight-knit group in secondary school – although this did mean I literally had four friends – and I loved them all. Thankfully I still do, and we have managed to keep in contact throughout term time and holidays, but I can’t help but think about what could happen in the future.

It’s hard enough going ten weeks without seeing someone – what if they move abroad? What happens when they get married? What about when they have children? I’m not going to lie – it’s a scary thought. The essay I’ve got due in is frightening enough, let alone thinking about a job, marriage, babies... Crikey. All I hope for is that I’ll still have those friends to make it less daunting. And to come dancing with me when I’m too old to get those free prawn crackers.

Why we'd rather go to the schools on television

1.
One of the greatest things about these schools is the students’ amazing ability to bring out perfectly synchronised impromptu song and dance routines, and still manage to look cool doing it. Those long days spent practising the dance moves to Single Ladies just don’t seem to have the same effect. These guys just do it so much better; from McKinley High School in Glee, bursting with Broadway tunes and bitchy cheerleaders, to Rydell High in Grease, with the sassy Pink Ladies and sexy (…go on, admit it) T-Birds.

2.
But if singing and dancing is too much for a school to provide, then not to worry; most movie schools tend to make up for it with beautiful teachers. Bradley Cooper in The Hangover is quite simply gorgeous; I’d definitely go back to high school if it meant I could stare at him all day. Hell, detention would be fun! Mr Schu in Glee also isn’t half bad; and, although he may not be the sexiest teacher to date, Robin Williams in Dead Poets Society is just the nicest, loveliest person ever.

3.
Some of the goings-on at these schools are just fantastically surreal – Back To The Future, anyone? Marty goes back in time, when his parents are both in high school, and has to simultaneously reject his mother whilst helping his dad hook up with her; sheer brilliance. Although this very specific situation may not be top on the list of things I’d like to do, going back in time would definitely be up there. Only after impromptu singing and dancing, of course.

4.
No list of movie schools would be complete without a reference to Hogwarts. That’s right; the one and only School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, attended by a certain Harry Potter. It’s hard to know where to start with this one, but somewhere that offers lessons in Potions, Charms and Transfiguration, to name a few, clearly beats boring old Maths and English. There are also nine secret passages, a Forbidden Forest, and you get to travel via the Hogwarts Express. So, what are we waiting for? I’ll meet you on Platform 9 ¾.

5.
The fantastic ways students move from high school to university. Even recently, in the last series of Skins, both Pandora and Thomas managed to get a scholarship to Harvard – in Thomas’ case, by running really fast. Honestly. They’re not the only characters to get into Harvard unconventionally – Elle in Legally Blonde was accepted after sending in a ‘film essay’. A top degree and fabulous clothes? Very jealous indeed.

6.
Speaking of fabulous clothes, the fashion in these movie high schools is incredible. Those mini-skirts and feather boas from Clueless? Just amazing. Not to mention the crop tops and trainers in 10 Things I Hate About You, along with the huge prom dresses, platform-sandal hybrids, and far too many white trousers. On second thoughts, maybe it’s the type of fashion to be admired from a distance…

7.
One element of all high school movies that quite simply never fails to impress me is the ‘geeky makeover’ scene, à la Clueless and Princess Diaries. If only all of us slightly nerdy girls could have some miracle sleepover where it turns out we were actually pretty damn hot along, and we just needed some contact lenses and a decent haircut to transform into the next Scarlett Johansson. Sigh. Maybe then Bradley Cooper would be interested.

8.
It’s brilliant how horrible people always get what they deserve. In real life, the school bully tends to get away with it, but, in the movies, they almost always seem to get their comeuppance. Whether it’s Regina in Mean Girls getting hit by a bus, or Kathryn having her previously flawless reputation destroyed in Cruel Intentions, we love to see the nasty girls get punished.

9.
And, last but not least, the wild and often downright crazy parties that always go down in movie schools and colleges have to get a mention. Ryan Reynolds in Van Wilder is testament to this rule of thumb, as well as showing that students in movies are clearly way more attractive than they could ever be in real life. American Pie – and all the spin-offs – also epitomises the spirit of ‘partying hard’… although certain scenes with an apple pie may stand out more. Or Stifler drinking ‘tainted’ beer. Or Finch and a pool table. On second thoughts, perhaps it’s best we don’t go to movie high schools after all…

For Film24

Book, Line and Sinker: The Literary Revival That’s Reeled Us In.

Gok Wan, the cast of Wicked, and the York English department; what could they possibly have in common? I’ll give you a clue – it’s not their dress sense. In fact, they are all helping contribute towards the current literary revival, apparent in recent months. At the end of January, earlier this year, the iPad was unveiled, along with a new and extensive iTunes library, leading the way for literature to become technologically relevant. In terms of online opportunities, the success of Txt Lit (www.txtlit.co.uk) shows the appeal of creative writing in a modern way. It holds a unique monthly contest, challenging contestants to write a story based on a certain theme, within 160 characters – the length of an SMS text from a mobile phone. Clever, right?


However, e-books and ridiculously short stories aside, paper and ink books are rapidly increasing in popularity. In popular media, this is reflected in the Channel 4 programme, TV Book Club, which was first aired at the end of January. The premise of the show involves Gok Wan, along with other celebrities including Jo Brand, Dave Spikey, Nathaniel Parker and Laila Rouass, discussing and reviewing a different book each week. The term ‘celebrity’ may be a tad tenuous here, but nonetheless, with the debut episode reaching an impressive daytime peak average audience of around 350,000 viewers, this televised book club highlights a new popular interest in reading, and the beginning of a literary resurgence for this generation.


It’s not, however, simply the reading aspect of literature that has proved popular so far this year – creative writing is making a comeback. The importance of introducing creative and imaginative outlets early on can be seen in the launch of the Young Writers’ Award. Former Children’s Laureate Michael Morpurgo, with the support of the musical Wicked, is launching this contest as a re-embodiment of the WH Smith Young Writers’ Competition, which was discontinued twenty years ago. Clearly the relevance of creative writing is being placed in the foreground – and, if you need any more convincing, well-known previous winners of this contest include Helena Bonham Carter and Kate Beckinsale; clearly proof that it pays to be poetic.


If this seems a little too childish – to be fair, the competition is open to those as young as five – then there are more sophisticated literary trends also on the rise, providing a more adult approach to literature. The most successful of these appear to combine a social night out with a passion for reading – and a dash of alcohol for good measure, of course. An example of these modern literary endeavours is apparent in the book-reading nights that are held at Shoreditch House Literary Salon in east London – a place which claims that ‘not since the Marquis de Sade has reading been this sexy.’ Cocktails and Coleridge – sounds like the making of a great night to me. And, according to Facebook at least, over 1,500 people agree. The future of book clubs may lie in these ‘literary salons’ – showing that literature can evolve in a way that makes it both approachable and enjoyable, and not simply for an educational environment… Thank goodness.


On a smaller scale, or within our own campus, to be specific, the effects of this literary revival can clearly be seen. At York, the English department has introduced an annual anthology, The Looking Glass, and there is even a newly founded Creative Writing society. Combined with the increased interest on a national scale, this could mark the beginning of an entire literary revolution – or make reading and writing a little more popular, at least.


But why is creative writing making such a comeback? Former Children’s Laureate Michael Morpurgo believes that “it allows people to really say what they want to say and in a form that suits them. It's not a rigid rule that they need to follow or something they have to do to get to the next stage of their education. It's much freer and allows them to be themselves perhaps.” Michael also feels that not only is creative writing experiencing a revival, but creativity of all kinds may benefit from this new-found interest, saying that “most of us find our own creative outlet, that suits our feelings. Some will do it by writing, some by talking, some by dancing and painting. I think it's something about freedom to express.”

Yet can this resurgence be maintained? Michael believes that unfortunately “we are still hamstrung by the limitation of the testing and exam system in schools which very often smother creativity”, perhaps threatening the future of the interest in writing. However, he also extols the virtues of encouraging personal writing, explaining that “it's a good sign that an award such as Wicked Young Writers has been established to allow young people to write what they want to write and have an outlet for creativity.”


So, what are you waiting for? All you have to do is pick up a pen, or even get on your phone, in the case of Txt Lit. You might just have the opportunity to win some cash for yourself as well! And if writing doesn’t quite appeal, then just grab a book from the library, or go along to a trendy night in Shoreditch to enjoy a sneaky glass of wine (or four..) along with some exclusive readings. The worst that can happen is writers’ block or a disappointing ending – and it’s worth it.

First Steps

For Vogue competition; the theme was 'a personal memory'

My very first word was ‘shoe’. It was clear and distinct, and I’m assured that my mother didn’t translate some vague shoe-sounding word into the real thing - it was truly the word ‘shoe’. I had just been given my first pair - or the first pair I could actually wear, at least. My parents had already purchased little pairs of Doc Martens and Converse that I was yet to grow into; clearly my fascination with fashion was thrust upon me at an early age. I still absolutely adore shoes, and am the proud owner of a wardrobe full of fabulous footwear. Unfortunately, much like when I uttered my first word, I am still unable to master walking - in high-heels, at least. Yet, there seems to be something magical about childhood memories that have made an imprint on our adult life.


When I was younger we had a larder under the stairs, with a little mesh-covered window facing onto the garden, keeping it cold. I loved this larder, covered in glow-in-the-dark moons and stars, and I would go and sit in it during every single game of hide-and-seek, without fail. I may have often been the first one found, but I didn’t care - this was before I discovered my competitive nature, which made its first appearance but a few years later. I could’ve spent light-years in there, with those glow-in-the-dark stars; journeying through space, discovering unknown planets - and stealing cake, of course. My mother was an avid baker, and so we’d constantly have mountains of delicious, freshly made cakes and breads piled up in the larder. She would always encourage us children to help her bake a cake - and then have a mental breakdown and send us all away again half-way through, when we had icing sugar in our hair, up our noses, and pretty much everywhere but on the cake. I still enjoy a spot of baking every now and again - although nowadays I manage to keep the ingredients in the bowl and out of my hair. Well, most of the time, anyway.


The potting-shed in our back garden, which was lovingly referred to as my Wendy House, was another place where I spent many happy hours. My mother had painted the walls so it would look like the inside of a real house, with drawn-on kitchen worktops, and a dining room table and chairs. Tragically, I took the ‘real house’ element slightly too far, and tried to wash down the table and sides with a soapy cloth. This meant the walls looked less like a real house, and more like a poor imitation Picasso painting - but I loved it anyway - I just didn’t clean it again. Unfortunately this horrific ordeal stayed with me, as even to this day I often refuse to do any cleaning and tidying, all because of this childhood trauma.. Ahem.


The Wendy House led out into the back garden, where I would play with my little brother and sister, Arthur and Annie, all summer long. To be honest, this would often consist of me watching Annie picking up snails, licking them, and putting them back, or trying to stop her from eating ladybirds (or her own foot). Luckily, our sisterly adventures now consist of shopping and Starbucks, rather than snails and saliva; although she continues to have an adventurous palate, to this day.

My first ‘boyfriend’ was called Charles. He was the typical class stud, even at the tender age of seven - blonde hair, blue eyes, and absolutely no brains whatsoever. He also had a rather runny nose, that I never saw completely dry. Not quite what I look for in a boyfriend these days, but it worked a charm in primary school. He gave me my first kiss, and I taught him the alphabet. How romantic. Although to be fair, nowadays I have to teach boyfriends a lot more than just the alphabet - no, you can’t put a metal can in the microwave, and yes, pasta needs to be cooked in water. I suppose some things never change.


I always did like to be in charge of the kitchen; or of my own play kitchen and oven, at least. As well as making a multitude of meals using only leaves and grass - a right little Nigella Lawson already - I also enjoyed lying with my head in the oven. I honestly don’t know why I did this; personally I like to think of it as showing my literary tendencies at a young age already - perhaps more Plath than Lawson. All I can hope for now is that I’ll manage to have more success in my literary endeavours than I gave myself credit for as a six-year-old…

The Yorkling

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The Miracle of... Cheesecake

It’s every student’s nightmare. Your housemate’s family (siblings, grandparents and second cousin once removed included) are coming up for a few days, and it’s your job to impress them. You had a heavy one at Willow the night before, so your conversational skills might not be enough to carry you through. That hangover means you’re also not looking so great, so no wowing them with your dazzling beauty.

There’s only one thing for it. Food. Now, Morrisons’ value digestive biscuits and a cup of tea aren’t quite going to cut it; it’s time to bring out the big guns. Or the big chocolate cheesecake, to be exact. It’s ridiculously simple to make, and doesn’t even involve using the oven. As well as that, it’s pretty cheap to make, and even tastes good with budget ingredients.

Basically, this cheesecake is guaranteed to make everybody love you. Although if your housemate’s family visit frequently, you may want to use light cream cheese, as each slice has about a million calories. Roughly.

Diet problems aside, it really is worth giving this cheesecake a shot. It’s easy, it’s cheap, and it tastes damn, damn good.


Miracle Cheesecake

Base:

75g crushed digestive biscuits (these actually can be Morrisons value..)
75g crushed shortbread biscuits
5 tablespoons melted butter
3 tablespoons caster sugar


Filling:

200g cream cheese
5 tablespoons caster sugar
100ml cream, whipped

Topping:

200g dark chocolate
200ml double cream

Preparation:

1. Find something to put the cheesecake in. A cake tin or casserole dish, or even a Tupperware box for those who rarely venture into the kitchen.

2. Mix together the biscuits, butter and sugar. Yes, it’s that easy. Place them into the dish and push them down to create a base. Then whack it in the fridge.

3. Now for the filling. This is slightly trickier. You have to beat the cream cheese and sugar together, then fold the cream in. Don’t worry though, folding is as hard as it gets.

4. Add this mixture to the top of the base, and put it all back in the fridge.

5. Finally, the topping. Heat up the double cream in a saucepan, and then pour over the dark chocolate. The cream will melt the chocolate, and you simply stir until you have a warm, chocolatey mixture. Yum.

6. Allow the mixture to cool slightly, and then pour it on top of the filling.

7. Pop it in the fridge, and take it out around 20 minutes before serving, so the chocolate topping can go a little gooey…

Now all is left to do is serve it up, with the optional extra of some vanilla ice cream (if you really want to impress!), smile politely, and bask in the glow of grateful faces and endless compliments. I would say that the leftovers make brilliant drunk food, but I’m afraid that from personal experience this is unlikely – you’ll be lucky if you get to lick the dish (or Tupperware!).

Good luck- not that you’ll need it!

How to look good (almost) naked

Want to save money on make-up? There is a 100% foolproof way of managing this – buy less. I know it’s been said time and time again, but less really is more. And judging by the gaggle of high-heeled, mini-dressed girls you see falling out of Gallery every night, it seems that the message still hasn’t got through to a lot of women.

So, here’s a quick and easy guide to the mighty ‘less is more’ philosophy.

Firstly, skin is meant to look like skin, not the outside of an orange. I’m not saying that concealer or a light foundation are definitely no-go areas, but it should at least be the same colour as your face. The whole point is that it is meant to be unnoticeable – if you get complimented on your foundation, then you need to change it, pronto. As someone with extremely pale skin, I do understand the difficulty in finding the perfect colour; if you, like me, also look like an extra from a Tim Burton film, I would recommend Gosh foundation, in Porcelain. It’s practically white; brilliant.

Secondly, we arrive at the eyebrows, which are sadly often overlooked. Beware she who over-plucks; they may never grow back. And that isn’t a little horror story mothers tell their teenage daughters to stop them from growing up – it really is true. But the future aside, drawn-on eyebrows just aren’t attractive. And what happens when it rains?! Take a look at high fashion. Eyebrows are big, and look all the better for it. Although don’t get me wrong; monobrows will never, ever be sexy. As long as there are two of them, they’re (relatively) symmetrical, and they don’t look like two giant caterpillars taking over your face, then they’re probably okay. And remember, if you do take it a little too far, there’s always the option of a fringe. Phew.

So, moving down, we get to the eyes. The best thing about eye make-up is that you can easily achieve a natural look whilst actually using quite a few products. The most obvious of these is one that frequently tops ‘handbag essentials’ polls – mascara. Amazing. It’s like your eyelashes, but better! I don’t think I’ll ever get over the genius of that. But the beauty of mascara is that it can look natural if you use it well; clumps are really not a good look – people are scared of spiders. Even fake eyelashes can be used to achieve a subtle look; as long as they’re not four inches long and/or made of glittery feathers. Just remember to make it look believable. Secondly, a good liquid eyeliner drawn along the top of your lash-line; it shouldn’t be overly noticeable, but just make your eyelashes look darker and thicker. As my male housemate, who frequently dresses up in drag, likes to say, ‘I want some eyeliner, it just really makes my eyes pop’. If you are leaving your lips nude, then a subtle eye-shadow wouldn’t go amiss, but I’d beware of electric blue or canary yellow, unless it’s fancy dress.

Another item that is often considered a handbag essential; lipstick, or lip-gloss. I have to admit, this is the area where I tend to rebel against the ‘less is more’, and go for a bright red; Ruby Woo, to be specific. But everything in moderation – it’s okay to go a little bit over-the-top with one element of the makeup, I’m sure almost every woman knows to emphasise her best feature. As long as she doesn’t try to do this using lip-liner – something that only Italian porn stars should wear – then it’s all fair game.

And that’s it. Simple. I think the one thing to remember is that make-up was made to improve you, not as something to hide behind. Embrace your face – even your imperfections – and you’ll certainly look all the better for it, as well as saving a few pennies.

Do e-books mark the beginning of the end for paper and ink?

“A room without books is like a body without a soul” - Do e-books mark the beginning of the end for paper and ink?


At the end of January this year, Apple unveiled their latest creation; the 'iPad'. The release of this planned tablet computer (or giant iPod touch, as most people have responded to it) coincided with a new Apple iBookstore, with the large screen of the portable iPad perfect for reading e-books. This is being hailed as the start of the ‘e-book revolution’, leading the way for generations to come. However, does this mark the beginning of the end for physical, paper and ink books?

In order to consider this concept, it seems important to compare the production of electronic books to the recent revolution of electronic music players; most obviously, the iPod. When the iPod was first released, I was one of those people who refused to buy in, arguing that nothing could compare to having a physical CD collection, which you could proudly display, and look at lovingly. Then I got an adorable, baby-blue iPod mini for Christmas, and I never looked back. There are just so many benefits to storing music electronically: you don't have to fiddle around making mix CDs, you can just have a playlist; it's compact enough to take to the gym, and won't skip when you run; and, the most obvious benefit, you can carry around hundreds of albums in a little, tiny piece of technology! I've got to admit, even as a bit of a technophobe, I was extremely impressed. And I wasn't the only one; as of January this year, over 240,000,000 units have been sold worldwide. I'm no sales expert, but I'm pretty sure that, in technical terms, that's 'a helluva lot'. So, the question is, will e-books manage to match this success?

On the one hand, e-books do have their plus points. In terms of using them for work, it makes finding references infinitely easier. Gone are the days of actually having to read through texts over and over to find that five word quote you desperately need; simply ctrl + f and bingo, it finds it for you. Definitely an advantage for essay writing students, but would this really be relevant to those who read books simply for pleasure? Perhaps one of the benefits of e-books for these types of readers is the ability to carry around hundreds of pieces of literature simply within one book-sized article - and yet, this logic seems flawed. Although it is true that this technology makes it easy to bring multiple books outside the house, it must be questioned whether this ability is actually necessary; how often does one person read through ten or twenty books in one day? With the iPod, the means to store hundreds of musical tracks is clearly beneficial, as an album is (on average) around 45 minutes long, and one may wish to pick and choose from a large range. In comparison, I’m sure even the speediest reader would struggle to read more than two books per day. Similarly, the size of the iPad is an important factor. It measures 9.6” by 7.5” - the same size as your average book, if not a fair bit larger. One of the benefits of the iPod was the ability to cut down on space in your bag; no need for CDs or CD walkman, simply pop in the iPod and there we go. However, in terms of e-books, a reader would save no space at all by replacing their book with the iPad (unless it was War and Peace of course, and, let’s be honest, how many commuters have you seen reading that?).

Another consideration to be taken into account is not only what won’t be gained by investing in an iPad, but also what will actually be lost. This may sound a little shallow, but every time I spend a ridiculous amount of money on a book, I feel safe in the knowledge than one day I will have a wonderful collection of literary classics (as well as the odd untouched reference textbook!) adorning my shelves, for every guest to see. There is a certain element of joy in a good book collection; one that may be lost if reduced to simply scrolling down a list of titles on a large screen. I also dreamily look to the future, where I can pass on all of these books to my children, and they may pass it on to theirs, and a family library will be made. These books may be the heirloom of times to come. With the iPad, however, this passing on of books becomes null and void. Although it may be beneficial for the manufacturer, who would now have a monopoly on selling their particular book, the inability to sell or pass on books is clearly unfortunate for the consumer. This would not only affect the dreamy romantics planning to keep the texts for generations, such as myself, but would also be financially devastating for students who plan to sell on their used textbooks at the end of each year, as well as the students who will no longer be able to buy these used books at second hand prices.

Additionally, and perhaps most importantly, the emotional connection found with books in a physical form is not merely associated with the sheer pride of having a grand book collection, but also with particular books themselves. Personally, I think this is the true reason why e-books will never completely replace physical books, and for me, they could never even compete. Every time I settle down to my old, battered copy of Frankenstein, I find myself reminded of every other time I settled down to my old, battered copy of Frankenstein. I love the little notes written at the side, certain pages folded over, tea spillage stains and slight rips and tears all over. In my opinion, that is the sign of a well-loved book, and I can’t imagine the effect on literature if this aspect of reading were to be lost. When it comes to my books, the worse the condition, the more times it’s been read and, therefore, the better it must be. And I don’t think the iPad would be able to take that much damage.

Enjoy the housing panic...

Apparently, everyone still seems to be in a supreme panic about finding a house for next year - according to my Facebook newsfeed, anyway. Even once you’ve sorted out who your new housemates will be, you’re then faced with the hours looking online for acceptable houses, leading to excessive and often pointless viewings, and finally resulting in the ultimate worry, that ‘Oh my God, next year I will actually have to live in a cardboard box’. However, I’m here to say – chill out. Everything will sort itself out in the end. And, personally, I think that’s the easiest part when it comes to moving home. The worst bit is having people round to view your current house – I literally shudder every time I hear a knock on the door.

I don’t even know where to start. Trying to tidy-up an entire house in five minutes is possibly the most depressing thing I’ve ever done. First step is to shove as many clothes as possible into the wardrobe, reminding yourself of what colour your bedroom carpet is; even though you know that the second the landlord leaves it will somehow, magically, end up right back on the floor. Then you move downstairs to try and handle the living-room, wondering how to deal with the tea-stained army of free mugs you took from Freshers’ Fair. You decide to place them in the cupboard; no point cleaning mugs that are just going to have tea in again, right?

Next there’s the frantic rush for the air freshener to try and rid the living room of the stale smell of alcohol and cigarettes. This is soon followed by great panic, when you realise that Tesco’s basic air freshener actually makes the room smell even worse than it did before; somehow it still doesn’t cover up the original smell. You stop to ponder this mystery, and then realise you still have a very smelly room. Solution: You just have to hope your landlord’s sense of smell is as bad as his ability to make conversation. Small talk he can manage and that’s fine; it’s when there’s an hour between viewings and he decides to have a little hangout time in the house in between. You just want to watch Deal or No Deal in peace, and yet you find yourself discussing the relative merits of upstairs versus downstairs bathrooms. For an hour. An hour of your life that you will never get back.

See? This side of the house-move is clearly more stressful; so if you’re still worrying about finding the perfect house, then just relax. It will happen. And if it doesn’t, then you’re only there for a year – easy! Just remember: Once you’re there enjoy the freedom while you can; before you know it, you’ll be the one faced with hoards of panicky house-hunters and a horrifically messy house and the whole cycle will begin again. Yet, that almost seems romantic, in a way. The annoyers become the annoyed, and we all have our own role to play, as horrible as it may be.

Perhaps we all just need to get over it, and stop complaining. I think the best thing to do, for both those moving in and those moving out, is to simply embrace the hassles of student moving – the chances are we’ll never be able to live this way again. So, I’m just trying to be glad that we don’t have to worry about taxes and mortgages (for now…), and reckon we should just pick a house, relax, and enjoy the student lifestyle while we still can. If missing Noel Edmund’s brilliance once in a while is the price to pay, then so be it. It’s totally worth it.

I love rugby.

That's right. I am now a huge rugby fan, and plan on going to see all the six.. uh.. nation.. thingies.. matches.

Okay. I might not be able to get away with claiming to like a sport, of any kind, but I did have an exceedingly enjoyable day watching the rugby on Saturday.

In Warwick, me and my friends went to the pub to watch the Ireland vs. Someone Else match, and around 2 minutes in, when I realised the game consisted of jumping on people, and only throwing backwards (Why?! Just why?!), I decided something had to be done.

And then I noticed the pile of board games piled up on the side of the bar. Absolute genius. I've seen board games in pubs before, obviously, but I genuinely think that in order to get a licence, pubs must be forced, by law, to supply a minimum of five board games.

We chose 'Game of Life' - Not the most mainstream of choices, and definitely underated. There was a tense moment when my female friend ended up with no children at the end of the game, and we were all worried for a moment, but we struggled through. I got two boys, which was rather unfortunate, but I traded one of them and an onion ring for a girl from another player, so it all worked out.

I didn't win, but that's only because everyone else cheated. Ahem.

The point is, there is actually another use for a pub, other than alcohol and cheap Sunday lunches. It can also be used as a warm alternative to a student house, with free board games, and this needs to be exploited! FREE BOARD GAMES, PEOPLE. Definitely better than rugby.

Although, it has to be said, there is one thing people must remember when playing board games with me. If I am losing (which clearly never happens), I will throw Scrabble tiles. In your eyes.

:)

La pensée du jour

This is brilliant.

The link above leads to what I would describe as one of the greatest inventions of the modern world. It describes how a ticket dispensing machine in a Birmingham car park gives instructions in English until the car park becomes full - then it switches to German.

Genius.

Imagine the impact this could have on everyday life. Every time a kid spends too long glued to the box after school, the programmes would change to Italian documentaries. If someone tried to make more than 3 microwave meals a week instead of a decent home-cooked dinner, the microwave would start shouting at you in German. Students who wasted time on Facebook instead of doing work would be faced with something like:
нарусскомрезультатовзакрыть

That's Russian for.. I don't actually know. But, see, that's the point.

We would be forced to learn another language, which is clearly a valuable life skill, or else just stop spending so much time on pointless things.

Although, I suppose this blog could count as a pointless thing. Maybe at some point it'll start making me parlez le Francais.

Oh, merde!

My Last Ever Blog ...

..Okay. Not really. But it might as well be.

MY LIFE IS OVER.

Let me set the scene. I was at home, with my housemates, happily watching Celebrity Big Brother, hoping Dane would win (the public know NOTHING), not a care in the world. And then Davina announced that we could audition for the last ever Big Brother, and to check online now.

I ran to the computer, opened up Firefox as quickly as my trembling hands would allow, and hurriedly went to the channel4 website, beaming with excitement.

"Ah, Big Brother, I will be with you soon", I thought, as I opened the auditions page.

But then - oh it hurts to even talk about - I read the dates. I couldn't believe it. Most of the auditions had already happened. There were only the Glasgow ones left (for this weekend), and London for next weekend - and I already had tickets to go to Warwick.

My lifelong dreams had been shattered. I was destroyed. I have tried to see it as being fate, as a sign from God, it just wasn't meant to be. But I just can't let go. I was meant to be in that house.

Even worse than that, the Deal or No Deal website has been telling me 'server busy' for the last two days. I don't understand the world.

I JUST WANT TO BE ON TELEVISION.

There's only one thing for it. I must date a Rolling Stone. I'll let you know how it goes.

Lecture, Seminar... Naptime.

When you're at university, you like to feel that you've grown up, you've matured, and you're essentially a 'grown-up'. It's meant to be that perfect in-between stage, where we learn how to be independent, and begin our journey into adulthood. However, in one way, university simply turns us all into children again.

When we're little, we fall over, and then shout for mummy, who immediately sorts out our boo-boo with a plaster and a kiss. At university, we spend all our money on getting so drunk we fall over, and then call mummy, who (reluctantly) sorts out our financial boo-oo with lots of money. Practically the same thing, right?

When we're little, we organise the day through meal-times. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. And not forgetting nap-time & snack-time. Although breakfast is a time of day rarely seen by university students, the rest stays the same. Nap-time is essential, or else we'll be extremely cranky, and nobody likes a cranky student. Snack-time is worse in halls, when you spend about 95% of your day in the kitchen, but nonetheless it still exists amongst second and third years; you need frequent 'snacks' of coffee and Redbull for those horrible days when nap-time has to be skipped. Shudder.

When we're little, we often have times when we throw up on ourselves, can't quite walk straight, and have trouble talking. This one doesn't even need to be explained.

Not that I'm complaining. It's brilliant. If only the homework was still the same.

University of Facebook

Anybody who has been on Facebook in the last few days cannot have failed to notice the massive increase in groups desperate for new members, eager to increase their numbers.

This is not simply due to the number of sad, shy, anti-social teenagers who long to have their life acknowledged via the power of social-networking, but can actually be related to graduates attempting to 'win' themselves an internship.

Saatchi & Saatchi have decided to award successful candiates with a summer scholarship, through a series of challenges described on the group page as 'The Apprentice meets Big Brother' (although I think we all know nothing could even compare to the current BB). The first of these challenges was to create a Facebook group, and then get lots of people to join it. The highest 50% of the groups made are allowed to take part in the second challenge.

Whilst this is all very interesting and oh-so-modern, it's also darned annoying. My entire Facebook news feed is filled with 'John Smith has joined the group 'If this group gets to 1,000,000,000 members then I will sky dive from a helicopter made from the fingernails of A-List celebrities, without a parachute, with at least three members of the Royal Family", and so on and so forth.

And where does it end? Will CVs only be accepted if they are recited (oh so beautifully) by Stephen Fry, with a million hits on YouTube? Will all job interviews take place on Stickam? Will degrees be given out via Twitter?

Who knows? All I can say is, thank God I have Broadband.

To Gym, Or Not To Gym?

I hate going to the gym.
Actually that's a lie. I don't mind the gym. I just hate it when other people are there.
Actually that's a lie. I don't mind other people. I just hate the people that seem to be at my gym constantly.

I expected the gym to be full of flabby tummies and wobbly bums, but apparently it's the latest hot spot for the thin and beautiful, who manage to remain immaculate even after an hour on the cross trainer. In fact, better than immaculate, they have a healthy glow. Yuck.

I have two theories:

Number One: These are people paid by the gym to stand around and show you what you could look like if you actually went there more than once a week.
Number Two: There is an international thin and beautiful alliance that has decided it is their duty to make us slightly chubby, very sweaty mortals feel too embarassed to go the gym, thus providing them with a system of gym bases which they will then use to take over the world.

Clearly these are the only two possible options for them to be there. I reckon the second one is much more likely, to be honest. However, do not fear! There is an obvious solution. I suggest eating lots of choccy biscuits to keep your strength up, and avoiding all gyms in general.

Just to be on the safe side. Obviously.

The Morning After The Night Before

The alarm goes off. Snooze goes on. Alarm goes off. Snooze goes on.
Two hours later, a knock on the door, and a bleary eyed, pyjama clad student runs down the stairs, jamming contact lenses in with one hand and trying to drag a hairbrush through the birds' nest that magically formed overnight with the other, trying to understand why they've been forced to wake up before noon.
And yet what were they doing the night before? Not a heavy night of questionable drinking games and vomit filled toilet; no, something which will inevitably cause much more damage to their degree.

Television.

Oh, it's such a terrible thing. My household literally has a timetabled schedule of programmes to watch every day. I recognise the people that sign language shows about mountain climbing in the early hours of the morning. I watch the same episode of Friends at least four times a day - damn you, e4 plus one!

I can fool myself that I simply wish to make the most of my television license; that as a student, it is my right and duty to make every single penny worth it. It's not even simply background noise, something to keep us mildly entertained whilst we busy ourselves with much more important, useful activies.

It even takes a considerable amount of effort; we seem to be missing a remote, resulting in the actual need to get out of our chairs and manually change the channel! Can you believe it?
Soon the government won't have to worry about binge-drinking; it's binge-watching that they'll have to worry about.

I do however, have a solution, which will not only solve obesity and poor work ethics, but could even help the global warming cause and eventually result in world peace.
Simply - oh hang on, I'll tell you later, QI is on!

Crucial Conundrum

I now know what it feels like to be old. I have literally reached that point in life where I realise I am no longer a child and that my days will now consist of complaining about politics and getting drunk on two glasses of wine.
How have I come to this decision? Snow.

For a London girl, snow at Christmas time should make me excited beyond my wildest dream. When I was younger I would fantasise about building snowmen in the same way other girls would dream about marrying Robbie Williams.

So surely this winter should've made me the happiest person in the world? Unfortunately not.

Instead of frolicking in the beautiful piles of fluffy, delicious snow, I am sat inside a freezing house, with numerous amounts of blankets, a microwavable reindeer and at least 7 pairs of socks. Complaining. About the cold. And the state of the roads.
Even though I can't drive. That's how bad it is.

Soon I'll be complaining about the youth of today, and their inconsiderate habit of having FUN, and why don't we bring back Tony Blair, he was such a handsome young man, and, oh my God, what are you doing, turn the channel over, WE'RE MISSING COUNTDOWN.
Although, to be honest, Countdown is a jolly good show.
I wonder if they show it on 4OD?

Determination and Intoxication

Latest Booze News from the BBC.

Apparently, all-you-can-drink offers and speed-drinking competitions may soon be banned from our good old locals, in order to crack down on alcohol abuse. Interesting.

Now, I don't know about you, but instead of worrying about this threat against our right to get absolutely bladdered, I'm more curious about where these offers and competitions take place. My local pub offers overpriced lager and watered down vodka; I don't need to drink a glass of water in between each drink, the landlord provides that in my double voddy Diet Coke already!

And yet I still manage to get drunk. I guess if there's a will, there's a way. Or perhaps if there's a predrinks on cheap booze at my house beforehand, there's a way.
I suppose it's things like that that have led to this concept that keeps popping up; to raise the price of alcohol in general, in an attempt to stop binge drinking and prevent children from buying booze at 'pocket money prices'.
If people want to get drunk, people will get drunk.

I'm a university student; I am the absolute authority on alcohol, alcohol abuse, and everything in between. Trust me on this. We will drink anything. My housemates have worked their way through port & Coke (apparently not too bad), Baileys & Coke (that curdles. should've realised that), and some strange black stuff in a dusty bottle. Still don't know what that was.

The point is, nothing will hold us back. If the price of vodka rockets and I have to resort to drinking beer (so many calories, dontcha know), then so be it.

Because, as God is my witness, I refuse to see the end of binge-drinking as we know it. Be proud, my fellow boozers. Alcohol is your friend. And indeed, alcohol helps you make friends. Nobody likes to admit it, but it's true. That's why Fresher's Week is so ridiculously alcohol infused. It's far too awkward to talk to new people sober. Bring out the booze, and everybody is bestest buds! To be honest, if it wasn't for alcohol, I don't think I would have any housemates.

So, politicians, raise our drinks prices if you must, and cancel these myserious speed-drinking competitions, and all-you-can-drink deals (but please tell me where they are first), but they won't work. With the power of fake ID, for our young followers, or the magic of a student loan, we will get drunk. And we will love it.